The original version of this very-tongue-in-cheek (but maybe too painful to be funny) article appeared fifteen or twenty years ago. I’ve revised and added to it here fairly extensively for today’s “culture wars.”
There’s been a lot of complaining lately about how born-again believers get kicked around by the secular heavies. Fair enough. So how about our treatment of the other side? I say don’t let ’em breathe. Our approach to these liberal socialist secular humanist scum should be just like their approach to us, with one big difference: we’ve got God’s rubber-stamp approval on every word we write, broadcast, or televise. AMEN.
Our purpose as rhetoric masters isn’t to evangelize or to explain. This is war! In verbal warfare there’s only one golden rule, and that’s this: THE LOUDER YOU YELL, THE MORE CLEARLY YOU’LL BE HEARD.
So let’s get down to basics. For the first time ever I’m going to release my patented methods for becoming an overnight evangelical sensation. (Charismatics, this is for you as well.) But before we begin, you must ask yourself two questions: “Do I have the guts?” and “Do I have a big enough mouth?”
METHOD #1: GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION. Sure, this is standard fare. But let’s really explore the subtleties here. Take some idea you don’t like (maybe because you don’t understand it). No one wants to go spend hours at a library just so they can argue a point. Besides, that might end up changing your mind about something, or giving you facts you didn’t already know. Put it next to something else — something nobody wants and most people think is pure evil. Say we want to attack government restraints on corporations, who we know are our friends. Well, government regulation of corporations is obviously BIG GOVERNMENT, that is, SOCIALISM. Now we just need a really bad thing to put next to socialism… such as destroying the family and taking over everything. Consider this fine example of how it is done from former Senator Rick Santorum:
Because the left knows that they can’t really have government come in and take control of everything unless they destroy the family. Unless you destroy the family and destroy the Church they cannot ultimately be successful in getting socialism to be accepted in this country and that’s what their objective is.”
This also works on people themselves. The President’s middle name, for instance. We told those Republicans they should have put out bumper stickers saying this: “Really? You’re gonna vote for B. HUSSEIN O.?” They didn’t listen, and — well, see what happened? They’ve been listening better since and he’s on the ropes now!
METHOD #2: REPLACE A WORD’S FULL MEANING WITH A DEFINITION FITTED TO YOUR PURPOSE. This works best when your audience wants to think the answer is a simple one. Here, I’ll show you. Take the word “feminist.” What comes into mind, a woman committed to biblical truth and concerned with excesses on both sides of a real issue, or an ugly lesbian battle-axe that wants to use the men’s room? See how easy it is? And in the case of those Jezebel feminists, make sure your side has a woman leading the counter-charge. (I know, that’s logically confusing, a woman leading a movement to have women not lead — but we’re after results here, not logic.)
METHOD #3: USE ACCEPTED CAUSES TO PUSH THE REST OF YOUR IDEOLOGY. Take a lesson from the liberal scum on this one. They take popular causes like opposing racism or feeding the hungry and connect them with the rest of the antichrist socialist agenda; It’s an easy way to guarantee yourself an audience. Now someone might say we should avoid total acceptance of agenda from left or right, that Scripture sometimes supports, sometimes condemns both. That’s those wishy-washy theologians again. Oh, SHUT UP! Some liberal New Ager named C. S. Lewis warned Christians not to get entangled with “Christianity AND . . .” because the “and” will end up taking over. Well, in the case of Americanism and the right wing, would that really be so bad? They even dress like Christians. Remember, as far as getting a big bunch of believers, “It’s easier to seal a package deal.”
Quick example. How about Israel? Never mind that our folks used to be better at Jew-hating than most. Today we say anyone who complains about Israel’s treatment of Palestinians is anti-Semitic! Now when it comes to the Jews running Hollywood… well, there’s Jews and Jews! We love the ones in Israel. Especially when they give us free tours of the Holy Land so we can take along our donors and milk ‘em for a few hundred thousand or so. The Jews in L.A., though, we don’t love so much. (Maybe we should edit out that last bit out of the DVD version of this, huh?)
METHOD #4: BEING RIGHT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOING RIGHT. This one’s important. I heard one guy get so upset at the humanist menace he began swearing up a storm right there in the pulpit! I thought he’d get in trouble, but no, his congregation understood that while his actions were wrong, “his heart was right.” This not only works for mundane stuff like cursing, but for more important things like moral purity or material wealth. I’m on my fourth wife, (cute young thing, isn’t she?). GOOD people understand that between marriage and ministry, the ministry must go on. I’m God’s anointed, after all. You MUST NOT TOUCH God’s anointed. If David could fall and be restored… well, you get the idea. And when it comes to Mammon, the more you have the more proof that is that you are God’s Man! Blessed! When in Rome, do as the Romans do . . .
METHOD #5: TELL YOUR LISTENERS THAT IF THEY DON’T DO WHAT YOU SAY, THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE IS “PASSIVE COMPROMISE” WITH THE WORLD. You must be convinced yourself that this is so, and if God has indeed called you, how can it be otherwise? I don’t give the poor dolts an option; this world can confuse them so easily it’s much better for us who understand to guide those who don’t. Otherwise they will end up compromising, ignoring our wisdom in favor of their own. So don’t mince words. Tell them to toe the line, or else. Where this comes in real handy is in you defining what “meaningful action” is. Put out one of those voter score cards, and make sure it sticks to the right subjects (and doesn’t mess around with the satanic evils of “social justice”). Too, it might be the wholesale rejection of other leaders, or it could be the donation of twenty-five dollars to my God-ordained television ministry.Or yours… as long as you aren’t messin’ with my donor base by airing in my metropolitan area.
METHOD #6: THE “INHERENT EVIL” IN CERTAIN ART FORMS AND/OR AREAS OF KNOWLEDGE. I am a firm believer in all sorts of hidden demonic influences being part of modern culture. Never mind the obvious gross stuff; I’m talking about secret messages and satanic symbols. I have many dislikes in art and science, and it’s amazing what I find in some of those things. Rock and rap music weaken the body and excite sexual urges, while the computer revolution is preparing the way for the antichrist. (Sure, I use a word processor to write, but that’s different.)
METHOD #7: GOD GAVE ME THIS MINISTRY or GOD GAVE ME THIS MESSAGE (also known as “PLAYING THE ACE”). What a great way to silence all discussion! Armchair philosophers won’t have a chance when your followers short-circuit the conversation with GGMTM. No proofs are needed; just radiate sincerity and charm from the pulpit, screen, or printed page. And be earnest! Who can argue with, “The LORD told me”? I call this “Playing the Ace” because once you lay that on the table, nobody else has much at all to say. I mean, they can argue with you, but you HEARD IT FROM THE MAN. They’re stuck with trying to argue using the Bible, which is only a book compared to your CERTAIN KNOWLEDGE direct from ON HIGH. So slap that card down, do it often, and do it with authority.
METHOD #8: BE ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY. Christians love the “money changers in the temple” approach. Never mind that Jesus used the whip once in a three-year ministry; this is an angry age. People are confused, and confusion leads to frustration, which leads to anger, which comes from fear (more on that with Method #15). Tap into that rich source of instant rage-filled unity and you’ll have a huge following overnight. Tearful rage is better yet. If you can rage at the enemies of our faith and our nation while also weeping… that speaks of your concern, your humility, your eagerness to be GOD’S MAN in this GODLESS GENERATION! I can’t overstress the importance of this. No matter how wild your theories, how nonsensical your logic, no one cares if you are prophetically angry. Speaking of which . . .
METHOD #9: THE MORE OUTLANDISH AND FORCEFUL YOUR CLAIMS, THE MORE YOU WILL BE BELIEVED. Never underestimate the mental flabbiness of Christians. They don’t like to think; aerobic praise is more fun. My findings, for some reason, have never been well received by the Bible student types. But for those who need me to think for them, one rule applies: they will believe whatever I as God’s prophet tell them to IF . . . “It’s loud enough, long enough, and large enough.” Muslims are secretly trying to pass Sharia Law in all fifty states in order to turn America into an Islamic Republic. See, that is so unbelievable it MUST be TRUE!!!
METHOD #10: GENERATE FEELINGS AND YOU WILL GENERATE FOLLOWERS. Christians want to FEEL as though they are doing God’s will. By showing them how to battle Satan in these ultra-important areas, we help them experience a warm glow of satisfaction. These good feelings prove that what I’m telling them is the truth, no matter what some half-baked theological “semetary” graduate says. “If you feel right about it, go ahead and spout it.”
METHOD #11: NAME-CALLING. So simple. So effective. Slap a label on your enemy before he gets a chance to slap one on you, that’s what I say. Do unto others BEFORE they do unto you. Here’s a fine example regarding those evil forces behind so-called ‘global warming’:
What we’ve all got to realize is that “green” is the new “red”. The global warming folks are nothing but a band of power hungry “statists” taking advantage of the American inclination towards personal responsibility as a means to erode American liberty and increase the size of government and the scope of its power. [*]
See how easy that is?! He who labels last loses. Which leads right to my next.
METHOD #12: BLAME EARLY, BLAME OFTEN! No matter what happens in the world, everything bad must immediately be linked to and blamed on our opponents.
METHOD #13: MAKE GOOD INTO EVIL. I’m dead serious on this one, it is incredibly effective. It doesn’t have to be something evil, because we can spin it so it becomes evil. Hey, a school thinks about cutting cookies from its lunches and substituting apples and oranges… the kids are overweight. We turn it into a plot by BIG GOVERNMENT to control every aspect of our lives, from what we eat to what we think! Now, be careful… if OUR guy is in office we don’t want to be talking BIG GOVERNMENT but instead should be talking SUBVERSIVE OUTSIDE FORCES. These things must be carefully parsed, you know… Again, so easy once the basic principles are mastered.
METHOD #14: LINK AN ENTIRE SUBJECT TO JUST ONE ‘EVIL’ SPOKESPERSON. Let’s try this. Some ignorant buffoons suggest that modern science deserves close study regarding how this world began. There are a fair number of so-called Christian scholars out there — that loon Francis Collins for instance — who go around talking as though science and the Bible can co-exist. Collins tempts us to research for ourselves so we can argue more intelligently, doesn’t he!? But don’t you do it! (See Method #5). Instead, invoke one of those raging Atheists. Richard Dawkins says some of what Collins does, then — well, despite his punchline uses some of our techniques, really. (I think he’d make more money if he was a fundamentalist Christian instead of a fundamentalist anti-christian… but he does all right.) Once your hearer realizes that RICHARD DAWKINS EVIL ATHEIST believes science says A B or C, then obviously A B or C must be A LIE FROM SATAN!! This works so well for those of us on cable television; so sound-bite friendly.
METHOD #15: FEAR, FEAR, FEAR!!! The more both theology and politics can be driven by fear, the more we can get our message heard and received by the masses. Make people afraid. Quote Scripture (carefully, so as to avoid context or verses contradicting the point you’re trying to make). Talk extensively about conspiracies made up of high-up, Satanically connected individuals. This works so well that our liberal enemies have themselves at times tried it. For instance… with their “Cheney did it” 9/11 conspiracy theories. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but they just can’t hold a candle to the multivarious versions of conspiracy we offer. We scare the H E double toothpick out of our viewers daily! And the cash, votes, church attendance, TV and radio audience just keeps coming along!
HAZARDS OF HEARTY EXHALATION. For all God’s mouthpieces, both veterans and Johnny-come-latelies, there are some dangers you just can’t avoid. Keep an eye out for the independent types who get teaching from other folks. They’ll challenge your authority, as if you hadn’t been anointed by God Himself, by asking all sorts of theological questions. Who needs theology anyway? Just ignore the obnoxious ones and they’ll go away. After all, “Independent thinking equals dangerous thoughts.”
Don’t let your flock become prayer warriors unless they, like you, talk without listening to the voices of doubt. Help them trust themselves and doubt voices they may think are God’s. Unbelievably, even I have heard such a voice, but rebuked as a temptation the idea that my ministry might be anything but Spirit-led.
Finally, watch out for the reconcilers. These namby-pambys look harmless enough, but when they write or speak on a subject, the results are often large numbers of new Christians. That’s not so terrible, but these new converts are often allowed to maintain old cultural trappings, and at times attempt to build some nonsense called a “biblical worldview” around modern issues. We’ve got to get to these babes in Christ when they’re still impressionable; some of my best followers came from such stock.
Well, that about does it. If you’d like further, more specific ideas, here are some other publications of mine. Smearing Fellow Christians in Five Easy Steps explains how I’ve exposed supposed evangelical leaders as “plants” from the opposition (or at best neo-Marxists in Christian guise). My best-selling How Rock and Roll Caused America’s National Debt contains as a bonus an Evatone soundsheet with excerpts from the year’s grossest rock LPs (the book comes in a plain brown wrapper). Conspiracy Theories Made Easy is great fun for a rainy Saturday afternoon, something the whole family will enjoy.
Remember, “Be loud to draw a crowd.” And don’t worry about the nagging feeling that all the screaming isn’t accomplishing much; it’s not so bad to be one more noise in a noisy world . . .